Maybe You Should Read the Not-So-Fine Print

Working in retail ensures that you get to slave away for hours at a time on a holiday weekend, while everyone at your corporate office enjoys a three-day weekend.  And as if that weren't enough, sometimes they give you insane discounts and coupons for your customers, ensuring traffic in your store doubles.  Of course, at the same time they cut your payroll, citing the high costs of doing business.

So I'm working Labor Day Weekend, where my company has managed to not only give out one coupon, but THREE different coupons, all in the same flyer.  This is in addition to a bunch of items being 30-50% off.  This would, of course, be the official signal to every cheap bastard and nutjob for 50 miles to come running into the store with visions of cheapness dancing in their heads.

Of course, some people are decent and only looking to use a coupon and get out to get away from the crowds.  Most, however, are looking to use all their coupons at one time, along with the copies they made.  These people also become irate when you won't let them combine their coupon with something already on sale.

Take, for example, the girl who came in today with her boyfriend.  The two of them bring up an item that is already 40%, and the girl hands me a 50% off coupon.

ME:  I'm sorry, but you can't use that.  This item is already 40% off.

Apparently, this is all it takes for someone to become like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.  The girl's head practically starts to spin around, and green pea soup-spewing is about to commence.

GIRL:  What are you talking about? This isn't on sale! It doesn't say it's on sale!

ME:  See that display over there with the same item with the 40% off sign?

GIRL:  Well, I didn't GET it from over there, I GOT it in the section.

ME:  Well, the item is on sale, no matter where in the store it is.

GIRL:  But it doesn't SAY that.

At this point, the boyfriend realizes that all this time he's thought he's been dating Captain Howdy, only now finding out his girlfriend is actually Lucifer.

BF:  What's the big deal? We're talking about 10%.

Oh he did NOT go there, she clearly thinks to herself.

 

GIRL:  What's the big deal? They purposely put out a 50% off coupon, then put everything on sale so you can't use it.

Oh yes.  That big Piss Off The Customer Conspiracy.  I keep forgetting.

ME:  There are only four items in that section on sale.  You could pick out something else.

GIRL:  There's no sign there that it's on sale.

Mr. Sulu, Snark Factor 5, please.

ME:  Would you like me to walk you over to the section and show you the sign?

She of course decides that isn't necessary.  The boyfriend pays for the item, probably planning on putting the money he's saved towards an exorcism for the girlfriend.  

After they leave, I check the section.  Directly in front of where she pulled the item is a big red sign with the name of the product on it, and stating it's 40% off.  Skip the exorcism, and buy Demon Spawn some glasses, whydonchya.

Holidays. Erk.

No Wrist, But Got An iPhone

As you can see in the picture below, I'm currently in a cast on my right arm. Seems as if I've developed a ganglion cyst in my right wrist, which will only get better with immobilization. The doctor seems to think it's from the work I do. Retail claims another victim.

Although I can't type on my keyboard, I CAN type on my iphone. Thanks to software from CellSpin, I can post to my blog.

Ain't technology great?

Keeping My Smurf Hand Strong

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

You Can Take Your Nickel And Shove It In Your Piggy Slot

For those of you who aren't familiar with them, Whole Foods is a supermarket chain that caters to the tree-hugging, hippie-like, granola munching type of person...who also doesn't mind paying $20 for a tomato.  Apparently, there is also a prerequisite for guys working there that you must be hot.  I'm not sure I actually have SEEN that requirement written anywhere, but it's pretty damn obvious by the crew working in the one near my store.  But I digress.

I was standing in line to pay for a soda and a water today in the this-should-be-an-express-lane-but-everybody-takes-too-damn-long line.  Ahead of me was your typical Los Gatos, California housewife:  perfectly coiffed blonde hair, little gym fitness body, probably on her way to play tennis with the girls.  Oh yeah, and dripping with jewelry.  She could definitely afford a $20 tomato.  In her hands was a tote bag from another "upscale" grocery store known as Trader Joe's.

So Whole Foods has this policy that if you bring your own bag, you can either have five cents deducted from your bill, or have the five cents donated to a charity.  They used to let you choose one of several charities, but I don't think you can do that anymore.  I used to give mine to the Humane Society, but there were other charities for battered women, hungry kids, save forests and help farmers grow tomatoes that sell for $20.  Overall, a pretty good cause.

So here's this woman ahead of me who probably gets her weekly allowance from the Federal Reserve directly.  What does she choose to do? Hell, she gets that five cents deducted from her grocery bill, of course.  Didn't even think about it.

I'm not sure why exactly this pissed me off so much, but it did.  I'm struggling to make ends meet, I'm paying the equivalent of four years' tuition to fill up my tank each week, I've given up $20 tomatoes.....and this woman awash in gold and hubby's credit cards can't cough up the five cents to give to charity?  Somewhere down the road, she'll attend some high-profile shindig with the benefits going to some cause she won't remember, all in the hopes of landing her picture on the society page.  Makes me ill.

Can I Write In Peter Parker?

So part of my Roth IRA is invested in Marvel Entertainment.  I bought shares before Spider-Man came out in theaters.  Whoo hoo!

So, every year, I get a proxy ballot to vote on issues for Marvel (no, not comic issues) and to vote members to the board.

Seeing as how Marvel is doing the Hulk AGAIN, gave me the every-crappy GHOST RIDER and handed over a lousy SPIDER-MAN 3....I think it's time the board got a swift kick in the butt.  With my green Hulk boots, of course.

Next Up: Rabbits With Herpes

Poor PetSmart.  First, they get in trouble for poor habitat conditions for their reptiles.  Then, the start looking at bigger financial trouble.  Today's news brings us this little gem:

Oh Crap! Killer Hamsters!

I had to actually read this one about three times, just to get all of the subtle nuances.  I mean, hot coffee in the groin at McDonald's? Easy to understand.  Got to get rid of you Elmo doll because it threatens to kill your kid? OK, get that one too.

So if I get this correctly, Woman #1 goes to PetSmart and buys a hamster for her kid.  Awww, lookit Fluffy running around in his little ball.  Whoops!  Watch Fluffy in his little ball bounce down the stairs.  Watch Fluffy go all frickin' Cujo on the world and pass along some nasty virus to its owner.

OK, so now Woman #1 somehow becomes Dead Woman #1.  Fatal frying pan accident, hamster mistook her for a pellet....we may never know.

Family says "We love ya, Mom" and forks over the organs of Dear Ol' Mom to the hospital, presumably NOT making a profit, even though gas prices are so ridiculously high.  Said organs get stuffed into other people who then get Evil Hamster Virus and die.  And the lawsuit states that PetSmart should have warned people that hamsters carry diseases that could be fatal in people with weakened immune systems.

Ummm.  I really have only one comment for this, which is the ever insightful:  DUH?!!?!?

It's a RODENT, people.  Remember something called the Bubonic Plague that wiped out most of Europe?  Ok, here's a biology lesson for you....the rats of the Bubonic Plague and hamsters? Yeah, related.  Both rodents.  So if RATS can carry disease and they are a rodent....and hamsters are rodents....then do I have to draw the picture for you?

The lawsuit should be against the HOSPITAL for not properly checking out the blood and/or organs for any type of virus before throwing it willy-nilly into the next person who needs it.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this one plays out, but I'm siding with PetSmart and against The Stupid People.

Probably A Sign I'm Gay....

Of course, having a handsome husband when I'm a guy is probably a dead giveaway, but....

I got a spam email that said "Get her to come every time."

My real first thought?

"Come where?"

Oooops.  Yeah.  Not passing for straight anytime soon.

Dear Angry Customer.....

Just an open note to you angry customers out there:

Threatening to file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, and threatening to have Visa reverse the charges to your account because your item is a week overdue? Really not necessary. Hanging up on the manager when he's trying to help? Also not necessary.

Fortunately, said customer referred to above now has his $37 back.  I sincerely hope that restored the Earth to its regularly scheduled orbit, now in progress.

I'm Still Alive

Sorry for the lack of posts in so long. I needed to take a break for a while, but I'm happy to say that I'm now returning. I will be back to cranky in no time!

Move Over J. Geils.....

Waaaaaay too funny stuff here. So much for the good Senator's "wide stance." This one should be radio play. And 'Centerfold' always was one of my favorite tunes....

Back Behind The Velvet Ropes, Please

So on Monday, an older female customer came into the store and selected a couple of very inexpensive photo frames that had been on sale on Saturday, but went off-sale Saturday night at close. Unhappy that the employee she was dealing with wouldn't give her the discount, she of course summoned for me. The conversation went like this:

CHEAP CUSTOMER: I was in on Saturday and these were on sale.
ME: Yes ma'am. However, that sale ended at closing on Saturday. We have a new sale that started on Sunday and these frames are not part of that sale.
CC: Well, I'm a very good customer and I think I deserve to get the sale price.

Aaaah, that feeling of entitlement. The ol' me-me-me. Mind you, I don't think I've ever seen the woman in my store before, and the two frames in her hand total about $20 before the aforementioned 30% discount. A good customer? Those of you who read my blog will recall a prior entry regarding a woman who said she was a good customer and proceeded to say "blah blah blah" in my face. A good customer would be my gentleman who just spent $1400 to have his Thomas Kincaid's framed. A good customer would be my woman who owns a studio and buys crapload of canvas off of me. This woman? Not so good. So all of the following go through my mind when I hear this old woman say "I'm a very good customer":

You should have been less of a good customer of mine and a better customer of your plastic surgeon.

If you can produce the receipts from your last ten transactions, I'm sure we can do something for you. But they'd better be big receipts.

Do you shit as big as your ego?

But nay...I refrain and merely reply:

ME: I'm sorry, but that's not how it works.
CC: Well then, I guess I'll go buy my frames somewhere else.
ME: OK.
CC: Your loss.

My internal responses:

Not really. I'm already $2000 over plan for the day and don't need your $20 (before discount).

A really good customer wouldn't leave, would they? Wouldn't you at least want me to know your name?

Is your husband aware of the fact that you're a stuck-up, cheap, pretentious, frigid bitch? Cuz right now, my whole store knows it.

Nay...I merely answered:

ME: OK.

Just another fun day in retail.

Excuse Me, I'd Like To Buy Five Poison-Me Elmos

So according to an article today, Fisher Price has had to recall nearly one million toys created in China, due to dangerously high levels of lead in the paint. This isn't the first recall in recent weeks for products from China.

I recently had a conversation with my district manager over the fact that so many of our frames and canvas are manufactured in Asian places: Taiwan, China, Vietnam, etc.. The main reason given is that these countries produce a higher-quality product at a lower price than American-based companies.

Mind you, I felt a thud in my heart while watching Michael Moore's Roger And Me, about the closing of GM plants. I get pissed off when I call in for technical support and I get some guy in India who has a great recipe for tandoori chicken but barely speaks English. I got mad when Asian companies began buying up Times Square.

It's not that I'm necessarily the type of person who says "buy American or else." I mean, c'mon, let's be realistic here. Have you BEEN to Wal-Mart? There's a LOT of crap there. Not nearly as much as at your typical Dollar Tree (most of which is made in China), but crap nonetheless. I just think there's GOT to be a few decent companies in the US that are worth buying from and supporting.

I really started looking around the store to try and find things that were made in the US. You know what? Couldn't. Even our damn flag cases, with an American flag on the paper insert, are made in China. I mean....what? Are you kidding me?

So it's interesting to me now that all of the reliance on Asian manufacturing is starting to hurt American companies. Fisher Price and Mattel are REALLY going to feel this recall, especially this Christmas. Maybe it's time to find some nice American company to paint your toys? Maybe if we sucked it up a little and said "OK, we'll be a LITTLE less greedy, pay a little more for American quality and keep the money in-country," we'd be a bit better off.

I Have My Own Saliva, Thanks

Had a truly insane customer dealing with one of my employees today. He brought in a movie poster from The Simpsons Movie. Of course, recognizing the value of the piece, he had put it up on his wall with packing tape in each corner.

To be honest, I don't know what really happened with my employee and him, but it appears that there was some misunderstanding about whether or not he wanted custom framing or ready-made frames. All I know is it eventually led to this idiot screaming at M so much that she came in the back and said to me "I need you to go deal with this guy, I can't."

I went out all sugar and spice and sickening sweet, but the guy had driven past the great town of Rational about 30 miles back. He was ranting and raving about how we had wasted his time and how little of it he had. How we refused to listen to what the customer wanted and he was going to go somewhere else. He kept telling me that he was going to call my district manager (who, ironically, happened to be in the back room at the time and was rather amused).

Why is it that when people say they are going to call your home office or your district manager, they think that's some kind of threat? Fine, make a phone call. Feel free. I'm still gonna have my job tomorrow, buddy...trust me. If you REALLLLY think they're going to fire me because some psycho didn't communicate how to frame his trashed Homer poster...boy, you must really think you have a lot of clout.

I did what I could, but of course the guy had no real interest in listening to anything I had to say. He didn't really want the situation resolved. The one thing that really disturbed me was that much like a large dog, he produced an adequate amount of slobber the more worked-up he got. Unfortunately for me, I got in the path of said slobber. And, of course, he didn't apologize for that.

Have a nice day, Mr. Psycho. Thanks for the bath.

Gee Buffy, Sorry I Miffed Ya

Ah, the rich. You know, as much as people try to tell me that they are just like everybody else, I can reassure you on a daily basis that this just isn't the case. Take, for example, my run-in with a certain woman from the wealthy area known as Los Gatos, who I had the misfortune of having in my store on Monday.

Said rich-bitch arrived in her tennis shorts, tank top, overdone tan and visor. Shudder. Yes, visor. As if as soon as she got done selecting frames, she was heading out for a game of tennis with Muffy, Buffy and Clarissa.

The first thing she informs my assistant is that she wants three of the same frame, and she EXPECTS us to honor three coupons from her. We currently have a coupon that states it's good for 40% off one item, one per customer per visit. She of course tells my assistant that she'll be happy to walk out the door and come back in three times, but she WILL use all three coupons. My ASM tells her she can't, and of course she blows a gasket.

D'jever notice it's always the rich ones that want to save as much money as humanly possible?

So my assistant comes into my office and asks me to intervene. I come out to the sales floor where said woman is looking at frames. She tells my ASM that she's found her three and she will be using all of her coupons. I very calmly explain to her that she can't use all three, and that the intention isn't to print as many coupons as you possibly can to use. In fact, if our home office wanted the entire store to be on sale for 40% off, they'd just have a 40% off the entire store sale.

So she looks at me, puts her finger to her lips, and says...."Shh. You're embarrassing me."

Mind you, the only three people in the whole damn store are me, her and my assistant. Who am I embarrassing her in front of? The frames? I'm sure those 16x20s were thinking to themselves, "Damn! There's no way I'm going home with that bitch!" Hell, I was embarrassed FOR her, with the way she was carrying on. So, I took the moral high road, turned, and went back to my office.

Flash forward half an hour, and her HUSBAND calls me on the phone, to chew me out for how terribly I treated his wife. How she was so humiliated and came home in tears. How I was a terrible manager. I then proceeded to tell him my side of the story, since he wasn't anywhere nearby. He then asks me if it's true I told his wife she was never allowed to return to the store. Hey, let me tell you. She may have been a bitch, but I'm a money whore. The last thing I'd ever do is tell a customer not to come back when I can get more dough out of their wallet. I got pretty upset at that one. He decided he wanted to call my district manager and I happily gave him the number.

I called my DM first....and he LAUGHED. Thought it was really funny and said "Don't you just love people?" Actually, I don't most of the time. I much prefer animals.

If karma exists though, this woman's next plastic surgery and spray-on-tan session is gonna go MIGHTY wrong.

Dear Rude B*tch.....

Wow....what a way to start my day today....

A woman in her 60's arrives with her husband as the first customer in my store today. In her hands is a bag with our logo on it.

Me: Do you have a return?
Rude Woman: Yes
Me: We do need you to leave the bag at the front of the store please.
(woman ignores me and continues to walk through the store)

RW: Do you have any Father's Day frames left?
(I walk her to our Clearance section)
RW: No, I wanted the one you had in silver.
Me: I'm sorry, but those are sold out. These are the only ones I have left.
RW: I guess this will do. Do you have a box?
Me: No, I'm sorry. Most of the clearance items don't have a box.
RW: So, can't you just take a frame out of another box and give the box to me?
Me: No, I'm sorry. The boxes have specific skus on them for inventory. We can't take skus off and start moving them around to other items and boxes.

Now, the woman completely and utterly goes apeshit on me. Apparently, just short of the Crucifixion and just this side of slaughtering busloads of children is the idea that I'm not going to give her the box. We go up to the front of the store, where she proceeds to tell her husband how disgusting it is that I won't switch boxes around for her, and has he ever heard of such a thing?

Mind you, I probably WOULD have done it, but her attitude has been utterly disgusting and rude that at this point, NOT accomodating her seems to be a matter of pride.

I ring up her new frame and begin to ring the return:

RW: What are you doing?
Me: I'm doing both items in the same transaction for you.
RW: Well I WISH you had asked me first.
Me: Oh, did you want me to do the new item first and then a separate transaction for the return?
RW: Well, yeah.
Me: Ok....no problem. (I ring up the new frame). Ok, your total is $3.98.
RW: Yeah...without a box!

I ignore the comment, and begin ringing her $12 return.

RW: Are you one of the managers here?
Me: Actually, I'm THE manager here.
RW: You people used to be MUCH more helpful. As if people asked for boxes every day.
Me: Actually, they do. Which is one of the reasons why we can't switch boxes around for people.

Then, she actually leans forward over the counter into my face and in a childlike voice says to me: "blah blah blah blah blah." Seriously. In my face.

I do my best not to reach out and slap the living bejeezus out of her. Instead, I say to her "ExCUSE me?"

RW: It's just words. You could give me the box if you wanted to.

I'm shaking, I'm so angry. "Ma'am," I say, "I have not been rude to you ONCE during this exchange. You will NOT be rude to me."

RW: I can't believe it. And for how much money I spend in this store! (Mind you, she just returned a $12 frame to get a $4 frame)

Somehow, I completed the transaction and gave her her receipt, explained when she would get her refund, and she stormed out with her husband in tow. I had to go in the back and calm down and get someone else to cover the front for me. I'm happy to say I NEVER lost it in front of her.

BITCH!!!!

Happy Anniversary To Us!

It's hard to believe, but it's been a year (June 17th) since Luis and I had our wonderful commitment ceremony.

This year, we really weren't sure what we were going to do to celebrate. We had discussed possibly going away to the mountains or something for a couple of days, but we couldn't seem to get any of the rental places to call us back. Then, luck was with us. The fantastic place we stayed in last year for the honeymoon, East Canyon Hotel and Spa, was running the same special as last year where you pay for two nights and get a third free. That pretty much settled it for us, and last Friday we drove down to Palm Springs.

Yep. Drove. And what was supposed to be 7 1/2 hours turned into almost 11 due to terrible traffic around San Jose. Next year, we fly if we go back.

What was really terrific was that they gave us the same room we stayed in a year ago, and told us that anytime we wanted to come back we could try and request the same room. We also had an INCREDIBLE dinner at a place called Copley's, which the hotel recommended and setup a reservation for us.

It was a nice, relaxing few days. Always nice to get away with the hubby, since it seems as if our schedules so rarely mesh these days.

Dilemna

So...I've got a real humdinger of a decision on my hands....

I have the opportunity to become a District Manager In Training. This is something I've pretty much wanted my entire damn retail life. After all, who wants to be a store manager their whole life?

The problem comes in that the job would essentially require me to be on the road five days a week, and only home on weekends. This means I would only get to see my man a couple of days a week. There is no guaranteed end to the program, either...you essentially have to wait until a District Manager position opens somewhere, apply for it and then hope you get it.

On the one hand, it's a great opportunity. On the other, I've actually had nightmares about being away from Luis for so long, and in the nightmares I just cry and cry. I can't imagine not being with him, even if the end result is positive.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Getting Organized

I spent most of my childhood with absolutely no interest in comics. When everybody else was oohing and ahhing over the latest Batman or Superman, I was....well, ok, I was drooling over them on television but I WASN'T reading the comics.

Then, a couple of years back, I decided to take a look at a few different titles, particularly ones like Fantastic Four and Spider-Man (because my first crushes were Spidey and the Human Torch) and got hooked on the titles. Then, I discovered that there were so many other great titles out there, particularly from independent publishers. Great stuff like Dorothy, Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse and Zombies. Ok, it's not exactly higher literature but...

My buddy Matt recently decided to downsize his collections, and it got me to thinking. Do I need to get rid of them to make space? Can I continue collecting them? Is it just stuff? The more I thought about it, the more I thought...you know what? It's ok to hold onto these. I don't really collect anything, I have no expensive bad habits and I've always enjoyed collecting different types of writing and literature. I'm also one of those people who buy comics based on the storylines, rather than the artists.

So I don't have a problem with keeping the comics, but I DO have a problem with keeping them organized. The hubby is a bit tired of the piles everywhere, so I bought a couple of longboxes and started throwing them in there. The problem is, I have a lot now, and really have no idea which ones I have and which ones I need.

There's lots of software out there for comic organization, but all of it is written for the Windows operating system. As one of those folks who now says "I'm a Mac" instead of "I'm a PC," this was a real problem. I didn't want to setup a custom spreadsheet in Excel, and I didn't want to fork over a ton of money for something like Filemaker.

Fortunately, after digging around on the 'Net, I found a great site called StashMyComics.com which basically lets you keep track of your collection online. It's also very grassroots, in that everyone is encouraged to upload missing cover images, fill in missing information about the comics, etc.. It's a little slow at times, the interface maybe not so pretty as something you could fork out $50 for. You know what? I don't care. I finally have a way to get all these comics organized, and I love being part of the community and contributing my share of the work to keep it running.

If you're looking for an option to keep track of your comic collection, I highly recommend them.

Songs For Friends

Did you ever have that one song that always made you think of a certain friend? Something you'd always associate with that one person in particular?

I got to thinking about that today on the way home from work. I was thinking about songs that always make me feel happy/bouncy, and I fired up the Ipod to play Bon Jovi's "Captain Crash and The Beauty Queen From Mars." Although the song is about a romance between two people who are kinda off the wall, there's certain lyrics in there that just make me think of both my friends Lee and Matt H. I think it's sort of the whole feeling that no matter how crazy the world is, we can be crazier and always friends. As the song says, we're "Sid and Nancy, Fred and Ginger, Clyde and Bonnie, Liz and Richard." I dunno...I just can't help but thinking of the two of them when I hear that song.

Then, of course, what do you do if you have a friend who you love dearly but they don't have a song that comes to mind right away? Hmm.

What does everybody else think?

"Computer Error"

So after reminding my company that cutting off the health insurance for Luis was completely illegal, I got a follow-up phone call mighty quickly from the Benefits Department at home office. It seems the whole thing was 'computer error.' They were switching over systems, and some files didn't get sent correctly to Kaiser. Of course, they caught the error and everything is fine. In fact, they caught it back on April 11th and he's definitely covered.

Wow...I almost believed them. Too bad the letter canceling Luis' insurance is dated after April 11th. Guess that blows a big hole in their story.

At any rate, I struck another blow for domestic partners everywhere. Well, at least in California.